Knitting Nanny? I'm OK with that...

It's that time of night again where I actually am able to update here. Today was a bit of a struggle with nursing. Pooh bear has decided that whenever it's time to eat, he's going to arch his back and scream and cry. It's been really stressful trying to remedy this. I've found the only thing that's working is laying down nursing which is fine until it's time to go out.

Today we went to visit grandma again and she seemed to be ok other than her stomach pain related to eating. I feel so sad for her and wish she wasn't going through all of this. But she's such a strong woman I know she can pull through.

After the hospital, we went out to eat at Red Lobster where pooh bear admired the lobster tank. It was a pleasant dinner out until he got hungry. Usually, I'd just pull the cover out and nurse at the table. He was having no such thing tonight! He kicked and screamed and fussed, arching his back. It made me feel awful because I didn't know what was wrong or what I could do to help. After a few minutes struggling with him, he gave up and acted like he wasn't hungry anymore. He played at the table and was happy again. I'm so puzzled as to what could be going on.

As usual, whenever a parenting/nursing question arises, I take it to The Leaky B@@b. Some lovely ladies over there gave me some suggestions that I plan to implement. First thing is I need to call the doctor in the morning to have them check out his ears for an infection. Also, to check if maybe his Zantac dose needs to be adjusted since he's gained some weight.

Lately I've been considering different things I can do to pull in an income to help my boyfriend and I honestly don't know what I can do other than babysitting/nanny. I also considered selling some knitted stuff on etsy but I'm not sure I'm good enough yet. I'm still a little rusty. Those gloves I talked about last night? Yeah, theyre still not done yet. Knitting would be a whole lot easier if pooh bear didnt think the needles were toys for him to play with! I'm determined to get this down. If I can cook dinner with him, I should be able to knit with him! Any insight is appreciated.

Like I was saying, I just want a couple extra dollars in our pocket so all of the weight isn't on his shoulders. I try telling him I appreciate all he does but I don't think he realizes how much it means to me that I'm able to stay home and raise our son right now. There is no substitute for the loving care provided by one's own mother. Right now, pooh bear needs me. As much as I need him. Our wonderful nursing relationship is nowhere near its end and I'm convinced that leaving him to go back to work would ruin it. I've struggled with supply issues from the very beginning and I've worked too damn hard to have to give it up now.

I remember when I was pumping 1-3 oz per DAY and just crying myself to sleep because I felt like a failure. I took herbs, drank extra water, ate more balanced meals, pumped between feedings, ate lactation cookies. You name it, I tried it. And I'm not entirely sure of what it was that worked, but it did. And we've been supplement free for about 3 months. I am SO PROUD. Determination got us here!

So to turn it in now for nothing? No way! If I went to work as a nurse in a hospital, the shifts are long so I'd definitely have to pump several times a day. We've already learned that I'm not an efficient pumper. So what does that mean? I wouldn't supply enough milk for pooh bear to eat at daycare. And in addition, he eats on demand. Sometimes more than every 2 hours. There's no way I could pump that often at work. The end result would be my supply dropping so low that id get discouraged and depressed and resent having to go back to work. Id dry up and lose my milk and blame myself. Not so much of a happy ending. And I refuse to have to give him formula again. That's another post for another day but let's just say the similac recall made him REALLY sick. I've since become more educated and am much more firm in my decision to exclusively breastfeed.

So in the meantime, I'm going to have to settle for being a knitting nanny and I'm fine with that. I can only hope everyone else in my life is supportive, knowing that this is what's best for all of us right now. Like I've said a million times before and will say a million times more, pooh best comes first in my life over everything! All decisions I make will reflect what I blelieve is the best thing for him. And I'm sticking to it!

Time to go cuddle back with my lovebug. Goodnight all!

Good News All Over The Place!

So much going on int life right now I don't know where to begin! Today we went to visit my Grandma in the hospital. She's been there since 12/27 and I'm really starting to miss her a lot. It was a good visit though, because she's looking a lot better than she has and today she tried eating something. I'm really hoping this means she's taking steps in the right direction. They've been doing tests to rule out a stroke because the past few days she's been very confused and having hallucinations as well as facial asymmetry. Hang in there granny, you're a fighter!

Other good news includes that my favorite facebook page, The Leaky B@@b is back! And with over 9000 likes! Way to go Jessica! It's been a ridiculous battle we've had to fight because for some reason some people find breastfeeding obscene. Can you imagine? Nursing? Offensive? I'm sorry, I just don't understand.

Last night, I got into a little bit of an argument (me? Argue? No, never!) regarding nursing in public. I personally am a very shy person and choose to cover up when nursing because of MY comfort level. I care little about what others feel about the issue. When pooh bear was a newborn, my boyfriend got a little antsy when it came time to nurse in public. He didn't want me to do it in restaurants, or waiting rooms, or the mall, or anywhere, really. But with time he's grown to realize that it's not practical to walk out to the car every time baby is hungry! When he wants to eat, I have to feed him! So now, that's what I do. Wherever and whenever I need to.

For Christmas, I got a moby wrap and I couldn't have asked for a better present. Now, I can wear pooh bear and accomplish just about anything! Including nursing. Last weekend (I think?) I went shopping with my mom and sister and nursed him while walking around the mall. Not once did I expose any breast! I was so proud of what we learned how to do. It makes everything so much more convenient.

Oh, but back to my online tiff. There was a woman on the parenting.com facebook claiming to support nursing, yet saying that the pictures of babies nursing are disgusting. Excuse me? Not quite understanding that hypocrisy! She said she nursed all 3 of her children and often hears them playing, pretending to breastfeed and it warms her heart, or something to the like of that. I'm trying how to understand how she made it through breastfeeding three babies with a feeling of disgust towards the breast!

No, I am not the type of person who would publicly display an image of my breast, with or without baby attached, but that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with it! In fact, I've found all of the pictures posted on The Leaky B@@b to be quite inspirational and beautiful, not to mention educational! These women who find no shame in such a natural act have taught me a lot. Thank God I no longer go all the way to the car to nurse pooh bear in a backseat with tinted windows! Boy, did that get old fast!

Not only have the pictures been helpful, but the support and love I feel from that site is indescribable! I have asked so many questions and received so much great advice! Then in turn, I've been able to pass along the advice to new Leakies with similar situations.

When the page got deleted the first time, I was literally in tears. My teenage sister laughed at me, not realizing how much the site meant to me. I felt like I had lost my best friend. Then it came back and I was spreading the news to anyone who would listen. Then suddenly, it was gone again. WHAT? Yep, gone again. I was livid! I wasn't sure how I could help other than rant to everyone, including those not quite willing to listen. I wish my blog had more followers, because then a post would have been more influential but since it doesn't, I wasn't able to reach many. To my delightful surprise, it was reinstated rather quickly and I sure am hoping it stays that way this time!

Breastfeeding has been one of the biggest struggles I've ever faced and every obstacle was absolutely worth it. I'd go through it all over again ten times if need be! The rewards are endless. It is the most amazing bonding experience I could ever imagine. I'm so glad I have my fellow Leakies to journey through it all with me.

And for my last piece of good news, my little angel is fast asleep and I was able to slip away from the bed long enough to update this post. Hopefully, I'll even be able to sneak in some knitting. I started a pair of fingerless gloves that I've been working on for three days. I feel like I'll never finish!

Uh oh, I spoke (typed?) to soon. My boogie boy summons me with a hungry cry. Until next time...

I'm a Mother Before all Else

Last night before bed I read something on a friend's facebook that I found very disturbing. I started to scorn her, then thought I needed to take a step back and realize that just because I parent the way I do, doesn't mean it's the only way to do things. It's just my personal opinion that she is wrong. However, it's one of those opinions that I'm going to have to keep to myself (or to my blog).

Her status was criticizing a friend of hers who had minutes before updated her own facebook saying something about how she had made her husband sleep on the couch so her child could sleep with her. My friend, in turn, made a post saying that as much as she loves her kids, that she would never do that. The funny thing to me is that I see nothing wrong with what that mother did. In fact, I've done similar things for my baby boy. 

In my opinion, it's perfectly normal for children to sometimes need their mommy, even if that means sleeping in the bed with her at nighttime. Now granted, I don't know the age of this child, but maybe I just see things differently because we co-sleep. So that means my pooh bear sleeps next to me every night. I am ALWAYS there in case he needs me. So to me, this bed sharing seems natural. 

But honestly, there's a bigger picture that I'm trying to get to; it's not all about the bed sharing. It brought up a good question to me that women must consider when they decide to become mothers. Are you a mother first, or a wife (partner)? For me, I am most certainly, absolutely, without a doubt, 100% a mother first, and before all else. I am also a girlfriend, daughter, sister, friend, and the list goes on an on.  But the most important to me is being mommy.

That being said, every time my son needs me, I am there. If he is crying, I am there to comfort him. If he is hungry, I am there to nurse him. If he is bored, I am there to entertain him. If he is tired, I am there to put him to sleep. Even when that is in my own bed. Even when there is laundry to be folded, and dinner to be cooked, and a boyfriend who also needs some attention. Even when there are a million and one other things I could be doing. Not one compares to the needs of my child. 

I have often been made fun of that I don't ever let my baby cry. My question is why would I? Pooh bear is probably the happiest, most laid back baby I've ever met. When he does cry, there's always a reason. Usually a problem. So of course, I rush to see what is the matter. I believe that in doing so, I am teaching him that I am always here when he needs me. In turn, my parenting style has started upbringing this happy little angel. If I were to do things differently, I'm almost positive his temperament would also be different. Therefore, I believe I'm doing what's best for him (for us), and it's showing!

The laundry will get done eventually, we won't starve to death, and I can explain to my boyfriend that right now our little one needs me more. Pooh bear won't be a baby who needs me forever. All else can wait, babies cannot. This is how I justify my actions. You can't explain to a 5 month old, "hold on, I just need to finish cleaning the living room and then you can eat your lunch." Doesn't work that way!

As he grows older, he will be able to wait longer when he wants (not needs) me. But I do hope that him knowing I'm always here will never leave. I want him to always know that. I believe we're on the right path. I'm so thankful that I discovered a name for what I'm doing. It's called Attachment Parenting. Before I even knew of such the thing, I was just doing what was natural to me. Now I see that I'm not alone. And studies show, that this style of parenting raises some pretty awesome, independent, intelligent, loving children. It seems worth it to me. Even if that means boyfriend gets to sleep on the couch once in a while.

So the fun begins

After sitting here and typing my intro only to delete it minutes later (three times so far) I've decided to just be straight forward and skip pretending to be witty and interesting.

It's 1am and I'm lying in bed, unable to sleep like usual. Next to me is the most beautiful human being I've ever laid eyes on. My pooh bear aka my heart, my boogie monster, my stinky boy, my angel, my amazing 5 month old son. My everything. Since he's been born, my world has flipped upside down, inside out, backward, and right side up again. I never realized how much this little person could change me! Not much more than a year ago I was preparing to finish nursing school, attending classes full time as well as managing working 40 hours a week. I was determined to become a registered nurse, get an amazing job, make lots of money, travel the world some, then buy a huge house to settle down in one day.

Well, needless to say, things change. I did graduate and obtain my RN license. I am settled down, sooner rather than later however. And that part about an amazing job? Yeah, that happened too. But not the kind I was expecting. I work long days, stay on call 24/7 and don't even get paid in monetary value. But the benefits are pretty incredible. It's the hardest yet most rewarding and fulfilling job I've ever had.

I am a mother. And wouldn't change it for the world.

When I found out I was pregnant, I assumed I'd try to find a nursing job when the baby was a month old. Well, due to breastfeeding being a success (YES!) one month turned into three months that turned into six. And now as we approach that six month mark, I've decided I'm still not ready yet. Nor am I sure that I ever will be. So for now, I hold the title of RN but more importantly, I hold the heart of my baby boy.

We practice attachment parenting, thus the title of my blog, attached mommy, rn. It sums up pretty well who I am. I like how the mommy comes before the RN. That's the order of things around here. Pooh bear is absolutely number 1 in everything I do and think.

Join me on my journey into motherhood as I tackle the obstacles of being a new attached mother. Laugh with me through the humorous times. Cry with me during the puzzling times, and hold my hand through the criticism that I will receive for doing things differently. This rollercoaster ride known as my life has no intention on slowing down anytime soon so hop on quick if you don't wanna get left behind!